If You Only Knew
by tjmack
Summary: Isabella Swan is a young woman who is just looking for her place in the world, more importantly in Forks, Washington. Edward Masen is a young solider about to deploy for active duty. The two meet, sparks fly, promises are made, and hearts are broken.
1. Chapter 1

If You Only Knew

Summary: Isabella Swan is a young woman who is just looking for her place in the world, more importantly in Forks, Washington. Edward Masen is a young solider about to deploy for active duty. The two meet, sparks fly, promises are made, and hearts are broken.

* * *

Chapter One

I can hear the screaming in the background. I can feel the fear take over my body, and I can hear the gunshots. I know it's a dream, yet I can force myself to wake up. The only reason I know that I'm dreaming is because I've yet to be deployed. It will be my second deployment, and I'm only nineteen years old. I fear that my young life might end before it truly has a chance to begin. Though I signed up for this life and I am a man of my word. I will not give up, not until I am unable to complete my work anymore. I am able to fend off the dreams a little better. More so, I am able to ignore the dreams much better. The days following my time at home I was unable to ignore them. My screaming woke my family, and I started to fear that I was losing my mind. I would see things that weren't there, and I would freak-out for no reason.

"Edward--it's just a dream. Please, honey wake up."

I can hear my adoptive mother beg me. Esme Cullen was a better mother to me than my real mom. Her sister, Elizabeth Masen was a drug addict, and eventually just left me on Esme and Carlisle's doorstep. I can't say that I regret her decision. If it wasn't for that, then I never would have known Esme, Carlisle, or my two adoptive siblings, Alice and Emmett.

I forced my eyes open, and forced a smile for Esme. I could see the worry lines forming above her eyes. It hurts me to see her aging so fast because of her worry for me and Emmett. Both of us are active members of the US Army. We're luckily in the same platoon, so we spend most of our downtime together. Which also means, we're both home for break. We're getting deployed in less than a month. My number one goal in that time is to find someone to spend my life with. It's all I really want from life. It's what the Army has taught me that I want.

"Baby, you worry me when you scream like that."

"I know mom. I'm sorry. It's just bad dreams."

"They must be worse than just bad dreams. You wouldn't holler like that for just a bad dream. Even Emmett is worried about you."

"I know mom. I know."

I wouldn't promise her I'd stop, or that it was all alright. Because frankly it wasn't. Emmett hadn't been in my group when I watched half of our platoon get blown up or shot to death. He didn't witness the scary amount of death that I had. He didn't share my fears of dying with me. He didn't share my fear of returning to the Middle East.

"Yo, bro. You're screwed up."

"Thanks Emmett."

I grabbed a bit of bacon with some scrabbled eggs and toast. I don't eat much these days. Just enough to keep me alive. It's a process you get into when your stuck out in a war zone. You eat when you can, and only when you can. So I eat enough to get me by and only that much.

"Charlie Swan stopped by. You remember him right?"

"Yeah, he's the Sheriff right?"

"Was. He retired from the job. Opened a restaurant just in town. He's got a job opening. You was looking for something to do until your deployment right?"

"Yeah, of course.--" I paused as I shoveled the rest of the food down my throat, and tossed down my orange juice. "Headed there now. Thanks dad."

"Yeah, no problem. Just one thing. His daughter works there too, he's real protective of her--"

"Yeah, yeah. I hear you."

I grabbed my jacket, and scowled at the drizzling rain. It was always cold out, never warmer than sixty degrees. Even in the summertime. Pulling my arms through, I mumbled my goodbyes and headed out into the misty rain.

* * *

"Iz! Order up!"

"For the last time James, it's Bella. You call me Iz one more time--"

"Stop threading the help. We've gone through three cooks this week."

"I can't help it dad. They can't get my name right."

This is my first time on an extended stay with my father. My mom is having a hard time right now, and I thought I'd help her out by coming out here to stay with my dad. I personally hate Forks. It is like my own personal hell on Earth, but I love my mom that much. I promised Charlie that I would help him out in his new restaurant, since this was my Senior year in high school. The bell ringing above the door catches my attention, and I look toward the offending noise. I stop dead in my tracks. The man, I can't say boy, no this is a man, is stomping the snow from his boots. His hair, a light bronze color, is short, almost in a crew cut, and as he slips his jacket off, I can see his finely toned muscles. I have to stop myself from drooling, as his eyes catch mine.

"Excuse me, maybe you can help me. I'm here to see Charlie Swan."

"Oh, that's my dad. I'll go get him. What's your name?"

"Edward Masen Cullen, and yours?"

His hand is outreached toward me, and I find that the hot young man is also a gentleman.

"Isabella Swan--but you can call me Bella."

"Well, it's nice to meet you Bella."

"Nice to meet you too--Edward."

"Can you get your father now--please?"

"Oh--of course. Sorry."

If I didn't feel like a moron before I definitely felt like one now. I blushed deeply, before backing away from the handsome stranger. I wanted to run in the opposite direction, but instead I turned and tried my hand at sauntering--it did not go well considering I nearly fell on my face. So I just took what was left of my dignity and disappeared into the kitchen area.

"Oh--hello--Bella."

"Hi James."

My cheeks were still blazing red, and I tried to bury my head into my hands.

"You fall down again?"

I really hated James right now. He's only worked here for a little over two weeks and yet he seemed to know me and my father so well. Then again, this is Forks, and everyone knows everyone.

"No--I just committed social suicide is all." I bit back at him.

"I am growing mighty tired of your crazy little mood swings."

"I'm not crazy James. So fuck you."

"Oh, that is the last straw."

James stormed out of the kitchen, if he could steam would be pouring out of his ears. I slid down the wall and let the tears fall from my eyes.

* * *

Sitting at the counter awaiting the beautiful Bella Swans return. While I was excited for a chance to work, to keep my mind off my deployment, I just really wanted to get to know Bella Swan. Her beauty forever burned into my mind. Her long beautiful chestnut hair, and big chocolate eyes. Her luscious, most kissable red lips. Her pale complexion, long slender yet shapely body. I tried to keep the smile from my face as I remembered her.

"Edward?"

Her most wonderful voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked up at her. She looked almost sad, and her cheeks were still slightly flushed from her near fall. In which I had jumped forward to right her, but she had already righted herself.

"Yes."

"Please follow me."

I noticed the look on her face as one of complete and utter sadness. Something horrible has happened to this young woman, and I just had to know what it was. I just had to know how I could fix it--fix her.

"Yes."

That was all I could say. So I stood up, straightened my clothes and followed Bella to the back, as memories of my own viewings of horrible memories flowed through my mind. I too, wanted to just cry. So much death, so many dead people, so many dead friends.

"Ah! Edward. Your father is a friend of mine. I can honestly say that I am so very grateful for what you and your brother are doing for our country. How long you home for?"

"We deploy again in about three and a half weeks. Any chance the war will be over by then?"

"I doubt it son. I guess you've seen some pretty bad stuff."

"More than I'd ever want to see in my entire life."

"How old are you son?"

"Nineteen sir."

"How long you been in for?"

"Almost a year. Emmett was in for a whole year before I joined."

"How lucky that you two boys are in the same platoon."

"Yes sir."

I could still feel Bella's presence behind me. In fact I could feel her eyes on me. I wanted to look at her. I wanted to tell her how horrible it was over there, but I didn't want her to have my nightmares.

"Well, because of my lovely, and so cooperative daughter, we have a cook spot open. You up for it?"

"Yes sir."

"Please, call me Charlie."

"Yes Charlie."

"Well, here's your apron. You start now."

I smiled at Charlie Swan, before turning toward the door, the smile still plastered on my lips. My eyes gazing into Bella's. I could fall for this girl. I could love her forever if this was a different time. Unfortunately it's not, lets just hope that she'll still be free when I get back. I thank god everyday, that I only signed up for a two year commitment. This would be my last deployment, then I'd be free to do whatever I wanted. Right now what I wanted was to be with Bella Swan. I would do whatever I needed so that I could be with her forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"So, how'd you like your first day?"

I smiled at the mysterious Edward Cullen. His facial features were very distinct, very beautiful. His jaw wide, and straight. Almost like he was carved to be a statue. His nose, slightly crooked, and yet fitting with his beautiful face. The smile that he flashes at me almost on a constant basis is just as crooked as his nose, and just as beautiful. His hair, or what there was of it was a strange bronze color, and his eyes are a blazing emerald green. His tight fitting plain grey t-shirt didn't leave much to the imagination. Edward Cullen was a very built individual. I decided that I wouldn't like to meet him in a dark alley alone.

"It was a bit hectic. Especially thrown into the fire like that. I think it could be fun though. I've always enjoyed cooking--"

"If you don't mind me asking. Why did you join the army?"

"I don't mind. My father, not Carlisle, my real father, he was a commanding officer in the army. He died for his country. I was only seven at the time, but it really hit me hard. Knowing that my dad died for people that would never know him. I didn't understand it at first. I despised the army, and anyone involved with it. It wasn't long after that, that my mom started doing drugs. She got in over her head, she knew that she couldn't raise me. Not the way that she knew I deserved. So instead of making me suffer along with her, she dropped me off at Carlisle and Esme's. I thought I was just going for a visit with my aunt and uncle. A year later, when I was still living with them, and I hadn't received one phone call from my mom, I realized that she wasn't coming back. I honestly think of Esme and Carlisle as my parents. I mean, I had just turned eight when they started to raise me. They already had Emmett and Alice, they really didn't have to take me in, but they did. It wasn't until I was eleven, and Carlisle found me in the corner of my room crying that he explained to me why my dad gave his life for his country. Why he felt that giving his life to his country was more important than anything else. It hurt at first. To me it felt like maybe he found an better way to commit suicide. Like me and my mom were a burden to him. That he would have been happier without us--"

I knew I held a look of shock on my face. I hadn't expected this. He seemed like such a well put together young man. He didn't seem like he came from a broken home. Yet it didn't change my opinion of him at all. Here he was, spilling his guts to someone he didn't even know, and wasn't even thinking twice about it.

"When I brought these thoughts up to Carlisle, he reassured me that my father had loved me and my mother very much. That the real reason he risked, and ultimately gave his life for his country was for me and my mother. That it was his way of trying to keep us safe from things that we couldn't see. In that instant I realized that my dad was a hero, and I hadn't known it. That I had secretly hated him for leaving us, for making my mom hit rock bottom like she had. That night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, without telling anyone else, I decided that soon as I turned eighteen I was enlisting in the army. I knew that if I told Esme or Alice, they'd try to talk me out of it. Not because they didn't want me to make my own decisions, but because they were afraid for me. After Emmett enlisted, and Esme seemed okay with her only son leaving home, I told them that I too would be enlisting just as soon as I was eighteen. She wasn't quite as okay with that. She told me that it was more for my mom than it was her. A month after my mom found out that I planned to enlist into the army--"

He paused, and I saw a single tear roll down his cheek. I stepped just a bit closer to him. I went to reach out my hand to touch him. To hold him, hug him. Something to make him feel better.

"She killed herself. Because of me, she killed herself."

"It's not your fault."

"It is. She left a note. It said that she couldn't wait and watch me die just like my father. That death would be easier than to live in fear that I too would die."

"Edward I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Really it is. She's in a better place. She's not suffering from my father's death anymore. I just have a hard time dealing with that fact that I'm the reason she felt the need to kill herself."

He sighed loudly and shook his head, before a small smile crossed his lips again.

"I really don't know why I just told you all that. I mean, I've wanted to talk to someone about it for a while. I didn't have time before I deployed the first time. I mean, hell I didn't even have time to process her death before I deployed. Now, I'm even more screwed up than I was before I left. I'm just a total mess."

He shrugged his shoulders, like it was just a normal thing to say. I hadn't seen one thing about him that seemed to scream, stay away I'm a mess. I refused to believe it.

"I don't believe that."

"What--that I'm a mess?"

"That's exactly what I don't believe. Trust me, I lived in Phoenix before I moved back to Forks. I've seen plenty of screwed up people. Hell my mom is one of those people right now. You don't have any signatures of being someone who is screwed up."

"I'm good at hiding it. You have to be. To fit in with the general public. Trust me Bella, if you would have seen half the shit that I've seen, you'd understand why I'm screwed up."

I sighed. He had a point. I hadn't been there with him overseas. I hadn't seen anyone die, which I'm nearly certain that he's seen more than one person die in the almost year that he's been deployed. Hopefully, before he goes back, he'll be able to vent more of his troubles to me. I'd rather him tell me, then to keep them bottled inside to fester.

"I think I'm gonna head home, if you have this under control?"

"yeah, I have it. You go on home. You've had a rough night."

He shocked me, when he leaned in and hugged me softly, and then kissed my cheek.

"I had fun, even if it was work. I'll see you tomorrow."

With that he was gone. I smiled to myself as I realized that I was allowing myself to feel something that could be utterly devasting to myself.

* * *

Starting in the general direction of the house, started walking. Emmett had picked up the car a few hours earlier, plus if I was going back over, I might as well get used to walking again. I smiled softly at myself. I felt I had made some headway tonight. Maybe sharing my screwed up past with Bella wasn't my smartest decision. It didn't, however, seem to bother her. She didn't see me as damaged and unfixable. She saw me as just Edward Cullen. She didn't see me as an army man, just plain old Edward.

"Hey, want a ride?"

I turned in the direction of the voice calling to me. I saw Bella in a rusted out 1950's era red Chevy pickup truck. Obviously not in the best of condition, but driveable. I hadn't seen this. I saw her driving something slick, possibly even sporty. Then again, I'm sure Charlie Swan hadn't become rich from being sheriff, and I was certain that Bella wasn't loaded by herself. I realized I hadn't said anything, so I smiled softly.

"That'd be great."

"Trust me, you don't want to be walking out by yourself after dark around here."

"Why's that?"

I raised my eyebrow. I knew I didn't look like someone that anyone would want to kidnap. Even if I did, I was certain I could hold my own.

"There's lots of wild animals up around here. Especially the further out you go. Your father lives, if I'm not mistaking, about five or ten miles outside of town, correct?"

"Yeah. Actually, he lives closer toward Port Angeles than he does Forks."

"Yeah, there's been a lot of animal sightings. Even a few attacks. Coyotes and bears mainly."

"Out on the main road?"

"A couple of times, yeah. I mean, I'm sure you could put up a fight. Then again, I'm certain that a bear would get the better of you. No offense."

"None taken. Thanks for looking out for me like this. I didn't know about the animal attacks. I don't pay one bit of attention to the news."

"Afraid of what you'll see?"

"That's part of it, yeah."

"I get that. I've been back in Forks for a little over six months now. I had this friend at high school, we all noticed a change in her, but every time we'd bring it up she'd just shrug it off. We knew that things at home weren't good. Her parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce, her brother had been killed in a car accident a year earlier. One night, there wasn't much on, and though I don't typically watch television, I was watching stuff with my dad while I did my homework. He flipped it to the news and that's how I found out that my friend had committed suicide. She slit her wrists in the bathroom at her mom's. That fed fuel to her parents divorce. Her father claiming that her mom wasn't fit to raise their remaining daughter. That two of their children had died on her watch. A week later, she killed herself."

"Oh, damn. I'm sorry. That must have been horrible. That's my worst fear come true. We left a few members of our platoon behind back in Iraq. I'm afraid that I'll turn the television on and see one of my platoon members has died. It's like we're a team. You know, it killed me and Emmett to leave those guys alone like that. It felt like we were leaving a man behind, and we don't do that. Not ever. We didn't have a choice though."

"I'm sorry Edward. That must be hard. To know that your friends are still there and there isn't anything you can do to help them."

"It is, very hard. I don't think it helps the nightmares---shit!"

"what?"

"I didn't want anyone to know that I was having them. It's bad enough to put my family through that. It's embrassassing for people to know that you can't stop yourself from screaming out in horror at night."

"You shouldn't be embrassed Edward. a lot of people have trouble when they get home from a war zone like that. It's called Post tramatic stress syndrom. A lot of people suffer from it. When you get back for good, you need to seek help for it."

"I'll try to remember that."

I smiled at the beautiful Bella Swan as she pulled up into the driveway. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and then turned to look her in the eyes.

"Thank you Bella. You're a great friend. I think that will help me most. Having a great friend."

I winked at her, then climbed out of her truck. Waited until she backed out of the driveway before heading toward the house. Hopefully tonight I won't have any nightmares. Maybe Bella will keep them away.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Dude, it's great to have you back. Even if it is only for a little while." Jacob Black said, as he swiped a hand through his short jet black hair.

"Yeah, thanks Jake. I heard that you're going to join up."

"Yeah, gotta wait for my damn birthday though."

"Just—be careful. I'm begging you."

"You got it Edward."

I shook my head, knowing that Jacob wouldn't know the real reason I was doing so. It scared me severely to think of Jacob over there. Witnessing everything that I had witnessed. Jacob was so innocent. Always saw the best in everyone. Even after everything he had been through. After the situation in which I had first met him.

"Jacob, the army, it's not fun and games. It's brutal and tough. Both mentally and physically. I need you to really think about this. Please."

"I want to do it Edward. I want to be a hero, just like you and Emmett."

"I'm no hero Jake. I'm barely a man."

I hung my head. I was going to have to tell my best friend about my nightmares. How I have to cry myself to sleep sometimes. How images of young children and their mother's dead bodies haunt my mind.

"Hey, don't say that! You are too a hero. You go out there in that warzone and you protect your country."

"And kill innocent people. Jake, you haven't seen some of the things that haunt my dreams. That place, it will break your soul down. It will make you less of a man."

"Look, I understand what you're saying. I have thought this through. I want to do this."

Without one more word he stood up and walked out of my room. Could I really just sit by and let my best friend become like me? A hollow shell of a man?

* * *

"Edward, you have a guest!"

I had yet to meet Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. Mrs. Cullen, or well Esme as she had told me to call her was a petite woman. Small framed from her height to her build. She was absolutely beautiful, with a friendly, motherly face. Her hair was a slightly darker color than Edward's. More Carmel than Bronze. Mr. Cullen was strikingly beautiful as well. His blond hair was almost platinum in color. He was about six feet tall, with a slender build.

Both of them were extremely courteous to me, someone they had never met before. I probably looked like hell too. I didn't even take the time out to change or shower before coming over. Edward had called, his voice broke as he spoke. He sounded on the verge of tears, and begged me to come over. I could not deny him. Not when I had been making headway. It's been a couple of days since Edward told me of his broken past, and each night I got just a little more out of him. If he wouldn't talk with a therapist, then I'd be a therapist for him. The feelings he was feeling needed to be spoken out loud. They were not the kind you keep bottled up.

"Send her up."

His voice called from the top of the stairs. It must be bad if he wouldn't even come down to talk to his parents. I forced a smile as Esme turned toward me.

"Edward's been having some-distance issues lately, and I don't want to push him. If you go up the stairs, his bedroom is the third to the left."

"Thank you Mrs. Cullen."

"Esme, please dear."

She smiled softly at me, as I turned my back on her and made my way up the stairs. I was afraid of what condition I was going to find Edward in.

* * *

I heard her come up the stairs, and had the door open before she could knock on the door. I felt like someone had just beat the hell out of me. I'm sure I looked worse than I felt. The way she looked at me, the concern in her eyes, it made my heart stutter.

"Edward."

It was merely a whisper. I had been crying, the nightmare of all nightmares came when I tried to take a nap. I had tried to call Jake after he all but stormed out of my room. After he refused my call, I decided to try and sleep for a while, since sleep wasn't something that came very often. The nightmare itself was horrible, but it was the image that were still burned into my mind that were haunting me since I woke up.

"I'm sorry. I hated to bother you—"

"It's not a bother. If I am the only person you will talk to, then talk to me. Night or day."

Bella seemed to have some sort of way of listening, and knowing more about my problems than she would let on to. I've been wanting to ask her why she cared so much about my problems, but couldn't find the courage.

"I had another nightmare. It was-the worst one."

She grabbed a hold of my hand, and it felt nice. The palm of my hand tingled where her skin made contact with mine. I looked at her, trying to see if she could feel it too. If she could she didn't show it. I led her over toward the bed. Letting her sit down in the lounge chair that sat on the opposite wall from my bed.

"Should I lie down?"

I heard a giggle bubble up into her mouth, as she tried to fight it back.

"If you want to."

Her eyebrow was cocked slightly, trying to hide the smile that threatened to take over her mouth.

"I'll sit then."

"You wanna talk? You don't have to."

"I want to. It's kind of why I called you. I mean—I don't want you think that I'm just using you for someone to listen to my whining—"

"Stop Edward. I offered my ears to you, remember? Plus you need to talk to someone. If it's me, then it's me."

She stopped for a moment, and for an instant a look of seriousness took over and I thought she was ready for me to begin, but before I could, she opened her mouth to speak again.

"And I don't think that your using me."

I wasn't one hundred percent sure how she meant what she said. It wasn't quite in the obvious way. She was far too serious for that.

"Okay, good."

"You may begin Mr. Cullen."

All seriousness was gone from her face now, and a grin spread across her beautiful face. I smiled back, my hands folded over my knees.

"My best friend Jake told me today that as soon as he turns eighteen, that he's joining the army…."

* * *

The gory details of Edward's latest nightmare will now haunt my mind forever. It's a wonder the poor guy can sleep at all. If I saw my best friend's brain splattered like that in a dream, I'd never sleep again. What made it worse was I actually knew Jacob. Extremely tall, gorgeous Indian, from off the reservation out in La Push. In the one time that we talked, he told me that he was going to school in Forks, away from the reservation, to be rebellious. Jacob, though I had only had one conversation with him, seemed to be a really nice guy. I could totally see him and Edward as friends.

"Edward, I am so sorry."

"You're a senior, right?"

"Uh—yeah."

"You know Jake?"

"I know of him. We talked once."

"That's all it takes to know Jake. He's not a real deep guy. Wears his feelings right out on this huge sleeves."

"Yeah, he seems pretty nice."

"Nicest guy I know. Even nicer than Carlisle. Though I might be one of the only people to see Carlisle mad."

"Carlisle gets mad?"

"Not often. He's not really mean either, when he is mad. He just deals out your punishment. Apologizes later for it. Kinda funny actually."

"How tall is Jacob?"

"Six foot eight. He thinks he might have stopped growing. At least he's hoping. He says it's hard enough to find clothes that fit him enough as it is."

"He towers over me, he used to scare me."

"Jake's like the least scary guy I know. You want someone to be scared of, let it be Emmett. He's a monster. In a good way, if you're on his side."

"yeah, Emmett is pretty scary."

I smiled at him. He seemed to be doing tons better now that he talked about his nightmare, and I was happy to help him. He definitely needed it.

"Can I ask you a question?"

I froze, I knew what was coming, it was a logical question, one I didn't want to answer. I looked at my watch, looking for some sort of excuse to leave.

"Actually, I have to go. I gotta go get ready for work. I'll see you tomorrow Edward. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

"Oh—alright, thanks Bella!"

"you're welcome."

With that I was out the door, and hopefully staled that question from coming back up ever again. If only my luck went that way.


End file.
